Delighted I didn’t forget to bring an umbrella, walking behind of all, giving me time for my own – self-discussion. Then someone commented on the ‘blood’ status on Facebook and I sort of ‘ yea, I never really tell what happened….’because it is my weakness, and it is because of this, I learn to be strong. Have you ever experience walking or travelling around with a tube of medicine always in your pocket? I have. This is the current one I am using, although it didn’t work sometimes…
Followed by unknown cause skin allergy since young, my leg has to suffer the scratches and scar. And to ensure it at least recovers, I have to apply medicine. That day’s status, was however, blood from the scratches – from the rashes from softball training when I taught sliding. Forgetting about being so sensitive to the grass, I sat on it and now, the effect last more than a month. Sometimes, some of my friends who knew me more says that I am strong. All I can do is smile, because I know I am not at all – physically, mentally. With skin allergy, I am supposed to keep myself out of any sports activity that has to do with grass. But I didn’t, I chose to play soccer, I chose to be a school cadet, I chose to have sports – when I am not supposed to. I don’t know why is that so… but maybe the fact that I am not supposed to play all these makes me feel the precious of doing all these? Because, it’s tempting, or because I just wanted to prove that I can overcome it? But so far, I haven’t – that’s why I am still carrying that small tube around me all the time – it is even under prescription only in Singapore. So, i guess it is this that tells me all the time I must be strong, no matter how much blood I see when I woke up, on my hands and legs, I still have to discipline myself not to scratch.
Sometimes, they just say, how come you can’t stop scratch? Just stop scratching and it will end. But this shows my mental weakness, see. I scratch without conscious. No one can help me, only myself can tell myself in my dream that ‘hey, you are scratching again – wake up!’. I guess this mentality brought me up and even had its certain influence in my own life, like – I tried to be independent in a lot of things. I do things alone – because – no one is going to be helping me there. Bro is one of the reason I have to be or at least act to be brave. When watching horror movie, no matter how scared I am, I still have to smile – because I know Bro will be more scared if he knows I am scared. When I am scared of dark, I have to show that I am not, because he is scared of dark. No matter how difficult the path is, I must show that it is easy so that he won’t be discouraged when he is walking. Even when I am sick (usually we both sick together la), I must be happy so that he won’t feel the sickness. Because behind me, no one is covering for me.
Leaving the topic with my medicatio status, now I wondered. Now that bro has already grown up and although he is still scared of a lot of things (is this genetics?), but he had finally found his way – either avoiding – or – like me, act that he’s not – with a smile, walk through it, and everything is over. And after so many year acting, I came to realized, had I really overcome my fears or I am still acting as it was? Yesterday night, I realized I am still the latter ones – shameful I haven’t learn after so many years. So, no matter how hard it is to overcome the fear, I wish I will one day master it – because no one is there when I am scared, like a sister (bro won’t come and act as though he’s brave also – because he’s still learning too!).