Monday, August 30, 2010

So Far So Good?

It had been nearly a month since school started and everything was just passing by without any sympathy. Challenges were still there and they were getting greater and greater. Once again, my passion towards research is challenged. I was left in a tiny lab, with not enough chairs for everyone and not enough equipment for everyone – not even enough space for anyone. The condition of the lab is really out of my mind. Although it was not like some shaggy old house with webs across the ceiling, it is considered a factor that will give negative aura towards people working in there. Other than that, I was treated like a phD student. Without any experience in doing my own individual research, I was dumped with a few samples and is expected to design and plan my own experiment. I was not really fully rounded with all the technical stuff in lab, nor did they equipped me enough to go through experiments independently. I understand, as a university student, it is bound to my own instinct to improve myself, but, I have not even a clue to start the first step. I tried reading up, search up, even risking my own sample for the first time, hoping to get my hands on by learning first hand… However, I still think that there was something lacking. All these inadequate of knowledge, training, planning and arrangement had landed me with cold eyes from certain people and also late nights in lab. It’s not easy, to smile and still learn from those people who helped me but were very busy with their own thing. They are as stressed as anyone else and imagining you, who is not his/her student, is bothering him/her here and there, asking question your mentor can even answer.

Late night wouldn’t be a problem to me – not until you add lab with academics together. Late nights with piles of homework to complete and several deadlines to meet – not mentioning lecture notes that were printed but nicely kept in the ring files. These are just something that will keep swirling in your mind, reminding you. When you are in lab, your school work starts to attack your peace of mind by telling you how many more notes you haven’t read; when you are studying, you will be promptly nudged by the thought to unfinished lab work. As I said, these were distraction and hence, occlumency is quite a way to ward off all these negatives. Clearing minds, keeping peace in mind and trying to concentrate on what I am doing – is usually the best solution. But when this becomes a daily-basis, there will be times when you are tired and exhausted, when all you wanted is just a good night’s sleep. At this time, my life was nonetheless interrupted by interesting factor. Particularly when you are approached to answer chemistry questions. The question is simple a normal mathematical physical chemistry and that’s how I worked that out but basically, asking me to dig back all these from my brain, that’s really not appetizing. Besides, this interesting factor did managed to achieved the need to change the name to Interesting Vector, when its interruption is coming in both directions (or rather, any direction) with magnitude. You are expected to be the Mr Bumblebore of Hogwards, wise enough to answer every question, including life question, funny question and anything beyond my major. Seriously, there were so many things that are so minute that it doesn’t actually need to depend on someone else but that vector itself to solved it. But I guessed, after being controlled by formulae and loci for centuries, it had certainly reduced its survivability and increased its dependency. I am still finding solution to solve this one. This is because, this vector cares something I don’t really care. Just can’t understand how friendship can be something that is bothering someone so deeply – we are social organisms – but doesn’t mean each and every of us must bond really strong bonds. Rather, we are like everything on earth, some were so closed that they stayed paired and sticking together like nitrogen molecule; some will have rare occurrence; some my repel each other; some will even be under diluted solution, although they would like to be together, but things were made difficult for them. Another thing I can’t understand would be expectation of knowing the world by staying back at home. As you can see, it’s hard to expect people pour into your room to call your friends when you don’t even coming out of the room. Not everyone can be Zhu Ge Liang, you know…

But after all, this is only part of my life and I think this is the best way to challenge myself. Most importantly, I need to search back the path I walked – the path where I was so sure I am going to be a Scientist, no matter how my teacher had told me this will end me up broke until not enough money for a bowl of porridge, no matter how others were saying I am taking my life risk when there’s a disease outbreak, no matter how much impossible others had said to me… All these, are the task of my life at this period of time. 故天将降大任于斯人也,必先苦其心志,劳其筋骨,饿其体肤,空泛其身行,行拂乱其所为;this sentence will hence describe it – just like how my Dad had laughed at me “if you are so weak, how’re you going to be a wise scientist? Scientists meet more failure that you can’t even count…”. Still remember one of the General paper teacher were saying my generation was weak, I promised to my Dad that I want to prove the teacher wrong, and Dad had since used that to remind me, “Didn’t you said you want to prove your generation is as strong as the older generation?” My Mummy will always tell me how their generation goes through things – for them, it’s like everyday life, normal – because life is that difficult – and we were at least out of warfare. We have enough food, we have enough clothes, we have place to sleep, we have clean water, we have education. We don’t have to fear any day some bomb dropped on the roof, any day other countries were attacking our homes, any day everything before our eyes will be vanished. These were possibilities, but at least for the past 21 years that I lived, there’s none that happened seriously around me. Be thankful of what we have, precious and in turn apply all we have to build a better future for the mankind, that’s our job, right?! Buddha said , “Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” and I truly felt it. Thanks for the strength. This post will be dedicated to Pleasure, my lovely brother who had just entered university, handling a new turn in his life with the chaos of CCAs and Academics. We are both learning in the road of life and hence hope some of my views will be some motivation to him :)

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