Friday, February 03, 2012

Job Seeking Period

Just posted my 2011 reflection and 2012 resolution, I noticed I missed a part which I would really want to share with you. I am still catching up with the posts but let us skip the time, travelling to the job seeking period of my life, roughly the third quarter of the year of 2011. It was a happy event to graduate and finally getting to go around the world like a man – I mean, like an independent individual. I knew it might not be easy but I knew I must be strong to go through the process. And things were not actually happening as what I quite expected…

To say that those days were okay, that was a lie! As a matter of fact, I find it a complicated period of time. This was the time I realized I wasn’t strong enough to face all these and doubted myself. Of all the failures and standing-up-agains I had in my life, job seeking was as though repeating the same thing again. I was literally spending my days applying for job, spending my parents’ money on expenses and spending my wits in understanding the life in the outside world. And the fact that I was graduating rather alone, things seemed to be harder because no matter what happened I would be on my own. Outside school, it’s a strange world I had never really know and I was to venture on my own, forced to suit myself in because if I don’t, I could not survive. I have to admit I was extraordinarily emotional during the job seeking period. Tears rolling down my face in my room, having tantrums on events, staring at the ceiling asking for the meaning of life… all these, were actually what happened to me! My family was always supporting me morally but at some point, they felt worried of my sadness and kept asking me to stop crying because they would be crying too. I felt bad to make them worried but at that time, all I have is them – who else could I express my inner feelings to? I felt ashamed for spending my parents’ money on my daily expenses but I could do nothing. I wished I could find a job as soon as possible to lessen their financial burden, but I was confused with the misery being too independent from my family. With everything cooking up, I felt quite helpless to the point that I started to doubt my own ability in handling my own future. In the end, lying on an unfamiliar mattress in my rather strange room, I was so bored that I wished I could do something and that’s the starting point of my turning point.

I started to find things to do. I tried any resources I could use or find. The very first of everything, I made myself my own graduation trip. I was never a travel person, and my finances would never allow me to go around the world (maybe I could in future, who knows?). I rejected my friends’ invitation to a graduation trip to Europe. But then, I decided to had my graduation trip in Singapore, the very island I had studied in for three years and yet I was not very familiar with the country still. I got myself a few destinations and area, drew some maps, did some minor planning. On certain dates, I picked up a camera, a bottle, a backpack, important stuff and a cap; with that, I started my journey around Singapore. I may not have visited all of Singapore, but I could say it is quite a surprise I actually did that. In between, I did invite my friends to tag along. I will be posting about my graduation trip at some point. Other than travelling, I started to look at writing, continue to write my story and look at materials for my writings. I gathered information and examples of video logs. I had no idea I would ever had courage in doing anything like that but right after I get my job, I stepped out my first step in making videos. Other than that, I was so negative at that time that I guess I had even lose interest in drawing. Many of the drawings were rubbish, but when my mood came back, I succeeded in decorating my wall! And by drawing, I could throw away everything and immerse in the drawings, giving me a sensation of joy!

After all these, I do feel challenged sometimes still. Just like what was in Doctor Who, ‘Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.’ I told Priscillia, ‘I think maybe this period of time is a time for me to grow extensively’. And I grew A LOT! I am now open to admit how bad I was at that time, because I am also proud to admit I grew out of it. No matter how strong I have been, there will be times I am weak; but that doesn’t mean I can’t be stronger than before. I am glad I did survive and appreciated those, especially my family, who bear my complains, tantrums and rants all the way from Penang… And, this is another time I felt very human, I couldn’t find any other moment I was that emotional I guess…

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