Friday, August 31, 2012

External and Internal

I planned to write about this for days, or even weeks or for the whole of my life time, but I have never actually consider writing it out because I did not know if this is normal or right or human. But I did dropped hints here and there, and I do think being able to express these little information across the social network does help lessen the symptoms even though there were no readers. However, one of my friends did noticed one of my facebook message and she asked about it. I tried to explain to her but I reckoned I might not have did a good job. Nonetheless, I have no idea how to describe what happened, so I would like to put it in a context. And it goes like that:

When I was accused, or not being treated fairly or have something I don’t understand, I could feel my energy level building up. I have always have excessive energy in myself and the fact that I could not express these energy made things worse sometimes. Anyway, energy level increase. What happened? I will still continue with my own work, whatever it was. But, in my mind, things was not like that. I am running along the corridor, yelling! I walk with angst across the counter, swiping my arms repeatedly across all the things, and they better be small scattery stuff, and I fling all of them across the counter, shouting! I push heavy objects off its place around the room. I spread my arms wide and shout to the sky, wishing someone would hear me – the sound that never left my lungs. I pound my fist on the wall, wishing it would collapse, the more it don’t, the more I grunt with frustration. I throw things on the floor and stepped on them like an angry person on cockroaches. I jumped on the empty floor, yelled. Then I lie down on the floor, with sweat, looking at the sky, stoned. – I was still continuing whatever I was doing.

See how difficult it is to explain what happened?

I was not sure how bad or normal this is. All I know was, whatever happened in my head would be very wrong if they truly happened – that was the thing that stopped me from realizing what I did in my mind, but after all these it would be very tiring. It was as though I really did all those things but you added more frustration because you are tired at mind and not tired physically. I wondered if this is because I am Earthling, just like the Earth, I was calm externally, but inside there was fire raging. Although this does not happen all the time, I do wonder if there is a way to change the way things happened…

Well, what a rant! hmm…

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